It’s been nearly a year since I wrote something here. One of my 2022 resolutions was to blog more but unfortunately a couple of things prevented me from writing.

2022 in a nutshell

2022 has been a crazy year for me, for better and for worse. I took one of the most engaging and probably the most memorable class during my time at MIT this spring. That did entail spending nearly 60 hours a week in lab for the second half of my spring which meant I barely had time to eat, much less write. I burned out after spring so when summer rolled around, I removed nearly all my inhibitions. NYC only enabled me. I stayed out 5-6 nights a week and said yes to basically every social event I was invited to with the exception of crypto parties. I met so many people, ate so much food, and I had a lot of fun but at some point I lost track of myself. It really hit me when one of my closest friends told me, “I don’t think we’d be friends if I met you during the summer.” During my last two weeks in NYC, I finally sat down and reflected. I felt suffocated by the city. I wanted to escape somewhere where I could be alone and not surrounded by people and sounds, a task that’s impossible in the city. I couldn’t stand New York anymore. Who I was during the summer was unsustainable and not who I wanted to be. I want to be deliberate with my actions and thoughts. I’ll follow up on my summer in New York in a later post.

Where I’m currently at

I’m currently writing this from Zürich, Switzerland. I remember packing for my semester abroad. I only brought 3 pairs of casual shoes: my basic white sneakers, Docs, and a pair of booties for the winter. The other shoes I brought were 2 pairs of New Balance running shoes for my marathon and my hiking boots. Compared to my summer wardrobe, replete with heels, this was drastically different. As I packed, the thought hit me that my 2022 was divided into 3 very distinct parts. Mindy GSD (get shit done) in the spring, summer Mindy, and mountain Mindy in the fall. I imagined Switzerland to be a recovery treatment from NYC. This has been partly true. I’ll elaborate more in a separate post but I don’t feel entirely at peace here.

I miss my friends. I miss MIT. I miss Cambridge. I miss my family.

I miss being able to find pork belly in the supermarket, walking past Asian restaurants, looking at a menu and thinking I can afford that.

I miss rugged red peaks set against the haze of the desert.

I miss being surrounded by people who are building drones in their bedrooms and dreaming about their clandestine futures propped up by a tech job and chasing the world they want to see.

I miss the hustle and bustle of New York and the California vibes that make me want to lower the roof and raise my arms to the caress of the sun and kiss of the Pacific breeze.

I never thought I’d say this but I miss America.

Why I’m writing again

I was in the worst mental state I’d ever been in up until two days ago. I was stressed about my compilers class where I have to code in OCaml out of all the possible languages they could have chosen. I didn’t/don’t have anyone I can relate to here. I felt completely detached from all human emotion. I was lonely. So lonely. Lonelier than I was only two months ago in the city that doesn’t sleep, a city where I could scream at the top of my lungs and never be heard.

Then I talked with a friend who I’ve been trying not to bother recently because I always go to them to rant. And talking really helped. I decided to say screw this to ETH’s 20-credit minimum for exchange students and drop this exam. I was going to teach myself OS and 6.172 and Japanese instead of OCaml. I was going to read and write because when I was in the deepest depths of loneliness the only thing I knew that would help was a book.

Yesterday was the happiest I’d been for a very long time. As soon as I resolved myself to drop compilers, I felt free. I felt light. Light as a feather. This unbearable lightness of being. Then when I jokingly looked up flights from Zürich back to the states, I found $360 roundtrip flights back to Phoenix in December. I booked them, no hesitation. I want to cook and bake and hug my mom again. And knowing that I’ll be going home in a little over a month has been the light at the end of the tunnel for me. I felt so happy. I was listening to my summer vibes playlist I hadn’t opened since coming here as I walked down the street yesterday.

If possible, today I felt even happier. One of my friends told me she felt the most satisfying catharsis of her life last night after watching a movie. Another friend I haven’t caught up with in a while recounted to me her FPGA class this semester and the mundane things about her new relationship and I couldn’t help but stupidly smile and loudly type my excitement in response to her in my lecture hall. Everyone was staring at me but I didn’t care. I’m so excited for her. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this happy before, and on behalf of someone else. I’m imagining how cute they are together, both of them just lost in their lab tinkerings and the connection they share through their mutual passion. It’s a vision so pure. Do I wish I could experience that? Yes. But I’m just in love with the fact that they’re in love and the thought of being in love. I can’t believe I’m lucky enough to be close to a love so pure.

Why I’m truly writing though is because for the first time since January, I feel like myself again. I rediscovered what makes me me. I’m excited to learn. I don’t want to go to class. I want to study what I want on my own schedule. I want to write and update this blog. I want to do some meaningful thinking because I haven’t done much reflection this year. I want to be who my friends saw when they first met me. I realized this after reading some birthday notes they wrote me. So here I am.

Hello, world. It’s nice to meet you.

I’m Mindy.